I DON’T WEAR BEAUTY, I AM BEAUTY

I remember being a kid and being able to take a bath but was always warned not to wet my hair, being that I was hard headed I did it anyway.I could never walk out my hair with my hair loose and free. When I was old enough I got a perm, you would have thought I was a new person the way so many people complemented me on my hair. To be honest at the age of 7 I had a pretty big ego, you couldn’t tell me nothing I already didn’t know about myself. But as time came and went I started to notice something I got accustomed to feeling beautiful based on how straight my hair was. Fast forward to 2012 I found myself on a journey of accepting who I am and I think its important that my sisters sees this as inspiration to take the leap of faith and accept who they are without  feeling as though they have to conform to what “Media” considers to be beautiful and acceptable. I have not chemically altered my hair in a year and a half and its so interesting because I have cute curls! I was beyond shocked to see what my natural texture looked like, I know this is very ignorant of me and trust me I won’t have many of these moments but I honest thought you had to be mixed to have the curls that I have.

You would have thought 1 year and a half later the perm would have great out but it didn’t and I have been debating if I want to do the whole big chop or continue to transition until all the process ends are gone. A couple of indifferent incidents occurred and it made me realize I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself that I am more then enough. Deciding to chop my hair off will give me what I usually deny myself of which is quality time of myself, taking the time to take care of myself. Yes it’s starting off with the hair but it’s becoming so much more from taking care of my mind my body and my spirit. I’m starting to look at life so differently I feel free from the pressures of society to be something other then who I was meant to be.  And the best part of all  this is that if I want to go swimming…I CAN GO SWIMMING and not deny myself the opportunity to cool off because I don’t want my hair to get happy.

On Saturday I finally found the courage chop it all off here are a few pics…

This was me when I had my perm and weave

   

Yes that is me on the verge of tears

I had my co worker ball up some hair..I was having separation issues…I name here FIFI

The finish product.

It took me a day to get over the shock and as I sat in the mirror I started to love every bit of it. I’m more so excited about the joy and frustration I will encounter with my hair…lets face it, it wont always be rainbows and unicorns. I look forward to see what I can come up with now that I have this extra time on my hands.

The Sinful Wounds I Bare Freely

I’ve never been the type to follow rules, as my mother would say. I was hard-headed since birth always looking to do the opposite to see if I get the results I already knew to be. I think this turning  point in my life where I have accepted Christ into my life I still find myself being that hard-headed kid so many years ago. Trying to understand who I am in Christ has been difficult for me since my baptism.

I constantly fight the idea that I have to give up everything to find everything. In Matthew 16:24-25 Jesus says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for will find it.” What does that mean ? Does that mean I stop going to school to become a designer and teacher? Do I stop reading books other than the bible and solely become a neutral version of what a Christ follower looks like? Do I stop listening to indie and alternative music and devote all my hard drive space on my kindle to Christian music, do I even give up my kindle?

I’m not going to lie sometimes I think it’s easier to be sin because I make the rules I can decide if I want to do drugs into the wee hour of the night, I can choose to drink when the sun comes up till the sun comes down I can choose to lay with a complete stranger because I’m in “heat” of the moment.  In some retro spec I believed I had control of my life but I learned that too much of anything will find its way to have control over you.

I look at the average church goer who looks the part of a Christian well-groomed clean-cut little to no make up neutral colors,good posture and manners. I always say it seems easier to grow up in a teach then to enter into a church.

Not only do you have undergone the makeover with your identity but as you change the things around you change, the people you use to hang out with no longer feel comfortable being next to someone who suddenly has “found God”. You have to start over and allow people you’ve never met into space.

I use to think growing up in the church people would look up to you more,  they didn’t have the same struggles as a non church goer but I was wrong dead wrong. As my walk with Christ starts to form a picture I found an appreciation for my sins. It’s a struggle sometimes not to hide my battle wounds I encounter while dancing with sin as I grew I realized my sins keep me humble that I’m neither above or lower then the next person. They become a constant reminder of where I’ve and how Jesus helped me through my darkest hours and to never forget how comforting and loving he is when I allow him to be all that I need him to be.

One day I looked at the ideal church goer and no longer felt insignificant  I no longer felt like God couldn’t use me if anything I felt like god can use me more than those with “clean records”. I know this walk isn’t easy, I know that feeling of shame, guilt, I know that feeling of “having no way out” I know that feeling of struggle who you were and who you want to be in Christ.

I don’t think I’m at a point where I can call myself a Christian but I know am someone who is whole heartily seeking the ways of my father. Have I fallin short since my baptism YES!  Am I making mistakes? YES! Have I found the answers I need? NO! but through my failures I try to find the answer, I still try to find myself in God’s eyes. The greatest thing God gave me was a story that is like so many others but the difference between me and the rest of the world is that I’m not afraid to tell it. I’m no longer afraid of what man will say. No longer does the fear of  judgement or  criticism of others suffocate my soul. I’m not afraid of how people will see me because at least they’ll see who I was and see how I’ve come to be the person that stands in front of them through Christ.

God has given me love and strength to bare my wounded body for others to see how I’ve overcome the immoralities of life. Some will find beauty in it while others may find it grotesques.

I have a story and it is my duty to help others find the strength to tell their own stories.

Our mistakes shouldn’t be the thing keep us apart, it should be the very thing that brings us together to see that we are simple humans.

3b

Forgiveness is a Tough Mudder

Hey, Fellow word pressers!

  Brief update on my relocation journey to Dayton Oh is I found a job at a hospital and ts pretty cool if you ask me with god’s grace I can find a position in a different department. School is on hold for this semester to settle in the homey state. And no I have yet to get that Bikini Wax. ( The thought of it creates knots  in my stomach.)

Any who

Yesterday a few co-workers were talking about signing up for Mud Ninja, a 5 mile 10-20 mile obstacle course in the mist of Salem, Ohio. When asked where Salem was no had a clue so that lead me to believe that we will be in the forest or remote location. While I can handle the Mud Ninja event it’s the Tough that I have convinced myself  I can do, is what has me cringing inside at the idea that I may not make it or let alone finish  the gruesome 10-12 obstacle course.

After doing my research about tough mudder I  almost tinkled on myself at how gut wrenching the course is and how 300 yards away from the finish line you have to go through what seems to be everyone’s biggest nightmare called the “electrocution jungle “  it a string of electrocution ready to crisp a few public hair once contact is made. They’ purposely placed this obstacle a few yards before  the finish line in hopes to intimidate you of so much fear that you simply go around it loosing that anxious moment when you can proudly say you’re a ”Tough Mudder”.

It the last and most intimidating obstacle it gives you a choice to take the easy road and claim yourself as only a fit  mudder or the choice  to grit your teeth, dig you heel into the dirt and charge through with every fiber of your body to have that feeling of accomplishment and right to call yourself a tough mudder. 

Then suddenly  it hit me, is it possible to look at forgiveness in the same structure?

Is forgiveness that last obstacle you dread experiencing before you can call yourself having true peace. Being that I’m still new to the christian world forgiveness was one of those topics that sounded great in the sermon on saturday but implying it to my life was something on my “To Do List”

Then I began to wonder if accomplishing forgiveness is anything similar to tough mudder  I have a two big challenges coming my way.

Until next time bloggers

3b

Week 6 “No Looking Back for this City Girl”

Excuse the few week delay in post I was going through a depressive phase in my life. I have suffered from depression since the age of 12 my mother on the other hand would simply say that I was going through changes and that I would get better.  She was right and wrong it never gets better but you do get better at dealing with it. Most of my depression comes from negative events in my life that really altered the way that I looked at myself and didn’t get the help I needed to heal from those event. But I can say that with my recent re dedication to God his strength in me has helped me climb out of those endless pits.

After battling my demons that kept me in bed for a whole day ( which is better than being in bed for a whole week),  I finally found myself being back to the happy optimistic girl who dreams. I finally made the decision to buy my ticket and leave California and make the trip to Ohio to experience new adventures.

I finally did it! I finally did what I said I was going to do some of you probably thinking well don’t you do most of what you say you’re going to do? And I will not lie I don’t I have made excuse to not adventure out on my own to try new things…well I have allowed myself to try new things but most of those things were illegal and well let’s just say they weren’t positive attributes in my life.

Yet this time I really took a chance on my faith and left home I thought once I got to the airport that I was going to be an emotional wreck but I wasn’t  up until I saw this>>>>>             this was the moment that I realized that I might be on National Geographic holding on a Phone pole for dear life hoping the tornado will go away. That’s when I asked myself “Do I really wanna leave 70 average weather that rains maybe one month out of the year, where the closes natural disaster I have to worry about is a 0.3 earthquake that I can sleep through most of the time, do I really wanna leave the laid back flip-flop wearing lifestyle for tornado’s?”

For a quick second that I thought I still had time to switch my ticket and fly back home, I thought I’ve done all this so far might as well see what can come out of this. So here I am in Ohio where there’s maybe one major freeway and instead of having a starbucks on every other block I am reduced to one 8 miles from where I stay.

I feel like the girl from the CWTV show Heart of Dixie..lol big city girl moving to a small town. This should be an interesting year.

until the next time we meet

Happy Living!

3b

Week 3 “A Scoop of Hope, hold the Ni**a Please”

I am in a sense almost shamed that we even share the same blood line ( I’m going to ancestry to see if we’re actually related) I know that sounded pretty harsh but trust me once I tell you the story you too will probably find yourself searching my tree line too.

First I would like to like to wish Dr. Martin Luther King a Happy 83rd Birthday I appreciate the stands that he made to fight for the unjust and how he took advantage what great leaders of his time before him did to lead him to take the move with social and civil justice.

Pause to collect my thoughts…

Here’s what’s been bothering me I saw a facebook status from an anonymous alleged family member of mine who decided to broadcast ( in broken english I might add) that Martin Luther King was a adulter and that how could we praise someone who couldn’t stay faithful to his wife. I swear I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to here is what the anonymous member of the family said.

(WARNING! What you are about to read is the actual conversation of someone who has read 4 years of highschool history and knows all about African American History, do not be alarm not all black people do not spell or think like this I repeat not all black people spell or think this way.)

“No offense mr martin but I have been learning about u allll my life anr frankly im bored u were one of many that made hiztory for us but you were also an adutuerer cheatin on ya wife and things your name has become baaaad luck in the brown communities. And you weren’t the first or last so SO to homosexual poets like langston hughes and theivery writers like zora neal huston and the woman who became a citizen of france because white wmerica wasn’t ready josaphine baker. Oh and what about rred douglas who despised whites but left thr wife that stuck w him through it all left her for a white woman… #history”

I will give you a moment to get over the shock.

…

..

.

I hope you are still with me and by now have prayed for me. I really didn’t want to comment I really didn’t but because I have her listed as a relative which I might be editing once I’m done with this post. I thought I would explain my theory (if you see something wrong with my response to her status please let me know)

“The thing is everyone on this earth has made mistake we are not judging the man on what he did in his past, we are praising the accomplishment that his speech and legacy did which was spread the movement to other black people to take a stand in their community. It is the ignorance of this nature that oppress black communities. Luke 6:41 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you sit her and give the man praise and ridicule him at the same time? If you were trying to create change would you want people to focus on your past or believe that you have made changes in yourself that you would like to be the change you want to see in the world? I value you that you have an opinion but I think you should do some more research ( not google) on your history.”

I then go on to say..

“Because of Sojourner Truth,Fredrick Douglas “What to the Slave Is the Fourth of July” Speech, Toussaint L’Ouverture revolt in Haiti , Nate Turner Revolt in Virgina, Denmark Vessey revolt in South Carolina, if it was not for their strength and courage to stand up for the injustice, YOU would not be able to express yourself so freely as you do now. The past of greatness matters then as it does now.If it wasn’t for those in the past dying and sacrificing themselves where do you think you would be? You wouldn’t have the luxury of choice. You would just be a Nigga without a cause, a Nigga without a purpose, a nigga without an identity other than that of your skin. You wouldn’t be someones sister, friend, cousin, lover or daughter you would simply be a Nigga. Learn your history it might just empower you.”- the last part I probably could have left out but my fingers were moving to fast and my blood pressure was rising.

GOsh! I had to do long post but I think this is extremely important for people to understand the problem society especially in inner city communities have. She goes on saying how did Dr. King fight “today’s” generation when everyone going gangs and killing each other. I had to remind her that everyone has a choice to just like Dr King decided to do what was needed in the community people. What put the nail in the coffin for me is when she said ” I believe we are all nioggas befause everyone has an ignorance to or towards something nobody knows who id be with or without them because it didnt start there and def. Aint endin there”

Again a moment of silence.

I couldn’t believe that she so willingly took “Nigga” as her identity. It is a shame that so many blacks and white have worked so hard to strip that word as an identity to African-Americans and yet she so freely gave herself that name. Because one has little to no common knowledge or comprehension on a topic/subject last time I check that didn’t make you a Nigga it just made you Ignorant person.

This is why I want to become an influential mentor because people like this are having kids and teaching them they have no value to give to the world when in actually they have value to the world the moment they were born.

I cannot wait to be honored enough by God to bare a child and provided it with inspiration and Hope.

With that note my head feels like I got hit by a car.

Where’s the Vicodin when you need it.

Happy Living

3b

Week 3 “In a Samba Mood”

This song has literally been the soundtrack for the day, today was pretty gloomy (something I’m going to need to get use to when I move to Ohio) so I had to bring some color to my day and I figured this song was what I needed. I decided to learn how to samba while I wash my face and brushed my teeth. It was kind of awkward because I wanted to twist my hips as if I salsa dancing but you’re not so much twisting more like twitching but I kinda got it. I’m sure if I did it in public I would probably look like a fool, but since I was in the comfort of my home I thought I was pretty good. I have a love for pandora because it allows you to listen onto music you never thought you would listen to.

I made a samba mix and came across a song called ” Mas Que Nada” by Sergio Mendes+ Brasil 66 after hearing that song I wanted nothing more than to jump into a time machine and  see what Brazil was like in the 60s. All I could think was “Sophistication” it was so smooth and sexy it was as if the beat was wrapped around my hips and swirling me into the  groove of Sergio  mind.

Oh MAn! I had probably had one of the craziest dreams I can remember ( Other than the one of chucky chasing me around my apartments with a knife and everyone ignoring the fact that a doll is chasing me.I had trust issues after that nightmare.) Okay so me and my boyfriend was walking down this all in the day time when all of a sudden we suddenly saw a centipede, I kid you not this one in this one>>>>looked exactly like the one in my dreams the only difference is the whole thing was red. My boyfriend being the inspiring photograph that he is decided to take a picture of it I stayed back because (I) had common sense not to go close to some that large and creepy. It seriously the size of Justin Beiber before his growth spurt, so he takes the picture and for all you iphone freaks you know how bright the light is on the phone welp this idiot forgot to take off the flash. The light from the phone infuriates the centipede and he takes off and climbs on top of the wall . Usually I would have taken off running but because I was in love I wanted to make sure that my idiot boyfriend got out alive next thing I know the damn centipede is on top of me! I couldn’t make this up if I wanted I jumped out of my bed I was terrified I thought it beat me and I had this huge bump on my back which made me look like QuasiModo. I am I the only one whose ever experience something like that? Dear God I hope not I don’t think I have any more room to add the already weird list I have now.

Welp have to go study some Spanish!

P.S I’m going to actually make a list of the things I would like to accomplish this year.

Happy Living

3b

Week 2 Buckeye Please!..and a side of Mango

Welp! I made the decision to move out of California..EEEeekkk! ( I just pissed myself I’m so excited) so I decided to move to the Buckeye state. People ask why?, there’s nothing to do, it’s cold, there’s no excitement here (and this is coming from the residents in Ohio! While Ohio will never be California I’m looking for some new adventures in life the whole point of this blog to experience life that I was so afraid to live.

I’ll be moving next month and will unfortunately have to go through the whole transfer school credits journey (one that I don’t look forwarded to, but it must be done.) I already have some job offers available once I get there which is great because you know what means????…..Money! ( I kinda felt greedy when that came out :/ I’m not money hungry but know that it does take money to get some things done.)  So I’ve already looked at a few places that I want to check while I visiting my boyfriend during the holidays.( he unfortunately isn’t ready to leave California he is so in love with the weather and the people he’s meet.)

Me on the other hand the only people I will miss terribly is my brother and sister I still haven’t told me because my little sisters eye’s swells up at the thought of me being out side of California. When I told her that I was going to Ohio the first time she snapped “To visit right?” her tone caught me off guard it was if I was talking to my mother. I just want to find the words that would leave them with comfort in knowing that I’m not abandoning them but I’m doing this to better myself.

I already know it’s going to be an emotional day I’m hoping my boyfriend Rodney will come and give some support.

I’ve never been good at saying goodbye.

I have faith in my God that I will be okay and that as long as I do my part then he will take care of the rest.

My goal when I get to Ohio is

A. Find a Job ( two preferably)

B. Find a Yoga Class/Pilates Classes ( I will have my slim 6 pack again! well I never really had it but I will get it!)

C. Do my first 5k marathon ( I had to google how long a 5k was, don’t need to be a overachiever so soon..lol)

D. I have to find a Salsa Club it is Mandatory that I find me a Pedro and he shows me how to work the floor .I want to be transformed into a clumsy clutz into a vivacious salsa dancing so smooth I could slice a mango in half dancer ( smooth right?)

Happy Living

3b

Week 2 “Breakfast Babe”

Today I woke still feeling very enthused about my approach to a new me I got up and did not 5 not 10 but 18 minutes! of Yoga and trust me this stuff was pretty intense I looked like a twisted pretzel at one point…hmm I wonder if that’s a pose?  I did another walk my boyfriend we could feel that something was stretching in our body all i could think of is my dance teacher saying if it don’t hurt your not doing it right, I love her she reminds me of a vibrant yetta from the show The Nanny you gotta love Jewish women they tell it like it is. ( I seriously had felt like Danielle from Housewives of New Jersey when she would say “woman” when it’s suppose to be “women”…lol)

Now that I think about it I want to kick myself in the head because I made this amazing healthy breakfast and forgot to take a picture of it to show my hard work.

Breakfast

Scrambled Eggs (1)

Hash Browns with green & red peppers and onion

A bowel of strawberry and cream oat meal with half a table-spoon of butter ( <<< this is great improvement here I normally put two table spoons of butter)

1 Cup of orange juice

I never felt so alive!

Through the rest of the day I’ve been planning my move out-of-state which is one of the experiences I’ve been waiting to do since I graduated from high school but allowed circumstance to hold me back, I still kick myself every time I think of the scholarship I had for Tuskegee University I just have to tell myself “when you know better you do better”. To help guide me through many choices I sipped down on a nice Black Tea Lemonade with 1 pump vanilla from starbucks.

This was one of my favorite drinks especially in the summer time as you can see this was taken from my boyfriend’s phone, his phone gives pictures so much character, character that my phone would simply deprive it of that luxury. If you never tried I highly suggest it. I have been making in effort to drink more effort to drink more water so far I’ve been able to drink about 2-3 glasses of water for 5 days straight I pretty sure if my kidneys could speak they would be thanking me at this point. I’m sure it’s a lot better from the time when I was drinking on average 4- 8 shots of tequila down the hatch not to mention a line of smack every now and then. ( Don’t judge me I was going through a difficult phase in life where alcohol and drugs was apart of my daily nourishment.) Luckily I was able to come through that phase with some of my brain cells in tact.

Here’s the plan for this month, I need to either get re hired at my old job  (starbucks or old navy preferably starbucks more benefits…hell at this point anyone that gives a check out after two weeks is fine with me. Once I can get some revenue going the show can begin.

Happy Living

3b

Week 2 Fitness Fashion & Acai ( ahh-sigh-ee) !

Soo I decided to take my health by the hand and give it a good healthy whoopin.  Yesterday was the first day of my healthy lifestyle I woke up today with much enthusiasm about my walk. I was able to dig out my pair of work of shoes that I’ve probably able to wear a good month ( that was the year of my failed attempt to tone up I was able to sign up for a gym membership and everything and paid for a good four months of it, only because I had to live 3 months without water and had to shower up in the gym showers (with sandals on of course!)  my excuse was I had to do 30 minute workout before each shower I usually was able to talk myself down to 15 minutes ( I had no motivation to be an over achiever at the time) .

This year I have been trying to be realistic with myself and in order to become a master at that I need to know myself a little more, and stop having this  fantasy persona of myself. One year I thought I was this experience ballerina I took the  advance class and really wanted to kill myself, the instructor could see I had no experience and wanted to make an example of me to never under-estimate the skill in ballet dancing. Don’t get me wrong I see love to dance but I now choose to take baby steps by taking the level in which I am comfortable with.

Back to what I was saying…. Oh yes! fitness I got dress in the most comfortable attire I had and asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take part in my fitness journey he accepted even though he sounded like he wanted to go back to sleep,  I’m sure when we got off the phone with him he went back  to la la land. 30 minutes later we were walking in the sunny 70 weather of California. I thought to myself is this what the rich housewives ( not the ones on bravo) do in their spare time?  I’m sure they take the easier approach and get lipo and injection like that one lady from MobWives who wanted to get everything and anything that felt two inch from the ground cut, nipped and stitch she failed to realize that one body can only take so much she almost died just to have a butt…smh the things humans do. Any who it felt good to not only be with the one I love but taking the steps to make my body better.

My pastor once said that everything I have including my body had to be returned back to God and that made me think  god gave me this beautiful body in the beginning only to have it be returned to a crusty, fatty, junk sick body back to him sent chills down my spine. Having that as a reminder does put fitness into a different perspective.  After a good 15 minute walk we decided to have breakfeast at Jamba Jucie to enjoy a bowl of healthy amenities called The Acia ( ahh-sigh-ee) ultimate bowel.

that’s me indulge in my Acai ( ahh-sigh-ee) bowel :p YUM! ( I am going to learn how to make my own Acai  ( ahh-sigh- ee) >>>

Most of my pictures will mostly likely be taking from my boyfriends iphone can my phone takes the most crappiest pictures you can think of! After indulge in some great fashion tips and breakfast we decided to head back home.

                    So far  my first day of working out wasn’t so bad, here’s hoping for the same enthusiasm when I start yoga! : )

Happy Eattings Everyone

3b

Week 1- A Clipped Bird trying to Fly

My first week of the new year wasn’t as adventurous as I thought I didn’t run a marathon I didn’t loose the 8 pounds I gained on my two week vacation, no I didn’t get any great experiences that blew my breathe away no what I got was a family members who disrespected me and took advantage of me…but why am I surprised? I have no idea I keep giving the wrong people chances to show me who they really are. Dr. Maya Angelou once said ” When people show you who they are the first time, BELIEVE it!” well I am.  I have this thing where I give the wrong people the second chance but the right people the boot after they failed me once, smh I seriously have things backwards.

Hey I’m going by the motto ” Once you know better, you do better” ( Thanks Oprah) I however did come back home with a great guy in my arm who can be a times a pain in my butt but when that moment does occur I keep reminding myself why I love him or in most cases try to find a cork screw and drink until his pesty annoying gestures become cute and tolerable.

When I was in Ohio and decided to take this opportunity by the hand to experience life I realized that allow some experiences are free the big bangers cost. And when I came home I knew that the 80 dollars in my pocket wasn’t going to bring me luxury adventures in life the most it could do is pay my cellphone bill.  So a new job ( oh yea I got fired on my day off…by a family member! talk about family love) was to be founded to pay for my experimental research. I wonder if I can make this into a non profit I mean its for a good cause, right? Well there is some progress yesterday was my last day of eating fast food. I’ve tried this a few times and found myself making excuses for my lack of discipline as I found myself ordering everything from wendys dollar meal and selling my pride away all for the delicious taste of there (questionable small pattys) and intimation of a real shake which is not made with real milk. I give myself till thursday before I start find excuses on why I need a number 3 from Jack in the Crack with a large diet drink. ( I find that when people including myself  consumes something that has no nutrient value  we think that by adding a diet drink it will make up for the lack of discipline and the effort to make to healthy decision).  I will try to find some self motivation and discipline to make this year a healthy and pro active year.

Currently dancing to El Caltante by Marc Anthony (this counts as my exercise for the day, hey rome wasn’t build in a day and neither will my 6 pack)

3b